Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting is a regular feature on WMUR-TV which airs during the 12:00 noon news every third Thursday.   Extension professionals are interviewed during a three-minute segment for new ideas and fresh perspectives on the joys and challenges of raising children.  Timely topics and tips offer parents and others research-based information that can assist them in their parenting role. Below you will find additional information on topics discussed during the Positive Parenting WMUR-TV interview segments.

parentingParenting As a Team – The United Front

Children do best when parents work together as a team. How much parents agree or disagree about childrearing can have a major effect on their kids.  Children need to hear the same message and see cooperation between parents, even when parents don’t live in the same house. While parents probably won’t agree on everything, it’s important to recognize possible disagreements and learn to work through them.

Why is cooperation between parents important?

Agreeing about childrearing, especially discipline, can be tough for parents. One parent may want more rules or stricter discipline than the other.  But, research shows that parents’ ability to cooperate and support each other is important to children’s well-being. When children see parents cooperating and happy together, kids do better in school, get along better with others, and feel good about themselves. 

Disagreements over parenting decisions can happen when two parents live together and have a strong positive relationship. Decisions become even more challenging when parents don’t live together or have problems getting along with each other. Parents who don’t get along, often let the friction between them limit their ability to be effective parents. This is true in both married and divorced families.

Supportive co-parenting happens when parents – married or not - agree on decisions about their children. Decisions can be minor, such as bedtime for a 6-year old, or more serious, such as the response to a 17-year old who gets home late. Supportive co-parenting occurs when kids get the same message from both parents and see parents backing each other. When children experience supportive co-parenting, they are more likely to listen and cooperate.

What can happen when parents don’t agree on parenting decisions?

When children repeatedly see conflict, or parents don’t work together, kids feel guilt, anxiety, and stress. Parents who argue about childrearing put the child in the middle. Children become unsure of how to behave, must negotiate different rules and expectations with each parent, and feel responsible for parents’ problems.

What if parents don’t agree – what should they do?

When parents don’t agree, working towards cooperation is important. Put the child first. Parents can both practice new ways of communicating. Clearly state ideas without blaming the other parent; listen to the other parent with respect; focus on the specific issues under discussion; and remain calm. Criticizing the other person; hearing the disagreement as a personal attack; making sarcastic comments; or avoiding discussion, all stand in the way of reaching agreement and make the situation worse.

To work towards resolving disagreements, carefully and respectfully consider the other parent’s ideas. Be willing to negotiate and compromise. Each parent may have to give up something to make an agreement acceptable to both.

Parenting disagreements happen between most parents. Supportive and effective co-parenting requires working together as a team and putting the needs of the child first.

For more information, check the UNH Cooperative Extension web site (extension.unh.edu) for the following publications.

Parenting Alone Family Publications

Sharon Cowen is Family and Consumer Resources Educator, University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension, Hillsborough County.  For further information, call your county extension office or visit the UNH-CE website at http://extension.unh.edu.

 

Bullying do's and don'ts

BULLYING DO’S AND DON’TS

Bullying is:“Intentional, repeated, hurtful acts words or other behavior committed by one or more children against another; It may be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual in nature” (USDE).

  • There are over 7,000,000 incidences of bullying in U.S. Public Schools each year.
  • A growing area of bullying is in internet communication
  • Of 48 recent U.S. school shooters, 47 had been bullied at school.
  • Approximately 25% of middle school students are bullied each month in the U.S.
  • Girls are just as likely to be bullied as boys
  • Bullying occurs equally in smaller and larger schools

If you suspect your child is being bullied:

Do:

Take it seriously, bring it out in the open and really listen to your child.

Being bullied makes you feel really mad, hurt, and alone and you should help your child express these feelings.

Don’t:

Minimize, rationalize or try to explain away the bully’s behavior,    

Bullying is a crime and should be treated as such.

Do:

Let your child know that it is not his or her fault and that no one deserves to be bullied

Bulling behavior is often a sign that something is seriously wrong, emotionally, with the bully. 

Don’t:

Tell your child to “fight back,” or to just avoid the bully.

These simple solutions could make a complicated problem much worse.

Do: 

Help your child develop a plan to deal with the bully.

  •             Who can they talk to/tell when they feel afraid at school?
  •             How can they limit their interaction with the bully?
  •             What specifically will you do to help them: Contact school officials?  Call other parents? Offer to drive them to and from school?
  •             What words can they use to be assertive to the bully without being aggressive?

Don’t:

Rush in and try to solve the problem for your child.

Your intervention, if not carefully planned, could make your child look weak, helpless, and defenseless.

Do:

Report what your child tells you to school officials, other parents, and if necessary, law enforcement.

For more information and great resources on bullying, please visit the U.S. Health and Human Services Stop Bulling website and the

The National Mental Health Information Center

 

Managing the Stress of Parenting

Do you feel you have no control over what happens to you or your family? Have no time in the day for yourself? Try to do too many things? All parenting involves stress, and children feel stress as well, yet, it is important to keep in mind that stress is normal and is healthy when managed properly. Managing stress is a balance between coping with and reducing stressors. Parents can learn to recognize and monitor their own stress symptoms and sources of the stress, as well as those of their children. Ellen Rondina, Extension Educator in Family and Consumer Resources with UNH Cooperative Extension, is with us today to share some important tips on how to manage the stress of parenting.

Q #1:   So, Recognizing stress and stress symptoms is important in being able to manage stress, so what should parents look for?

It’s important to keep in mind that stress can be healthy.

    • It can motivate us
    • It can propel us to stay organized and stay focused on our priorities
    • It can help us to focus on the positive, on what is going well

Stress becomes a problem when you feel overwhelmed and are not sure how to handle it

There are physical symptoms:

  • Tired
  • Headaches
  • Stomach, back, or other pain
  • Cleaning jaw and grinding teeth
  • Recurring colds or flu
  • Problems sleeping

      There are mental symptoms:

  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Being forgetful
  • Trouble making decisions

      Emotional symptoms:

  • Angry
  • Frustrated
  • Tense
  • anxious

Q #2:   What can parents do to manage their own stress?

Just as stress is different for each of us, there is no stress reduction strategy that will work for everyone. For parents it is important to not only manage their own stress, but to model stress reducing techniques for their children. The key is to learn how to distinguish between stress that is unavoidable and stress than can be prevented or influenced.

Best Ways to prevent it: (these are things we hear over and over again, yet research really shows us that these are effective stress management behaviors)

  • Getting enough sleep
  • a proper diet
  • avoiding excess caffeine and other stimulants and
  • taking time out to relax
  • setting priorities; decide what is really important and what you can say no to

For stress that we cannot avoid: Coping strategies can be grouped into 4 categories: React, Refocus, Recharge, and Revise

React: Things that people do to keep themselves under control when under stress

  • expressing oneself
    •  in words either out loud or in a letter
    • drawing a picture
    • playing music
  • relaxing or cooling off
    • taking a shower/bath
    • lying down
    • reading a book
    • listening to music
    • watching TV
    • deep breathing
  • escaping by
    • taking a walk or a drive
    • visiting a friend
    • taking a mind vacation
    • going to the movies
    • meditating
    • physical activity/exercise

Refocus:

  • Focus on the positive/what is going well/right
  • what you are learning
  • put things in perspective; what bad things could have happened but didn’t, will the problem still be important in an hour, month, year?
  • take responsibility without feeling like a failure; How have your actions helped or hurt the situation, how could you do things differently the next time?
Recharge: Ways that people gain strength and support to prepare for the next stressor,   
  • reaching out to the community for support from friends and family or other community members or community opportunities. Try a Yoga or Tai Chi class.
Revise:
  • Make changes where necessary
  • build new skills
  • change expectations
  • change your situation (job, school)
  • change the environment (move?)

Q #3:   How can parents help their children cope with stress?

One of the best ways that parents can help children cope with stress is to model the behaviors and techniques that we just talked about and help children to develop these skills

  • Touch and hold the child
  • Listen to the child
  • Talk with the child (or sing or play music, especially if the child is very young)
  • Use stories and make-believe (read books to your child, even if the child doesn’t understand, use puppets and art)
  • Change the child’s environment, or help the child change his/her own environment
  • Encourage them to be physically active, and even better, engage in physical activities and exercise with your children

For additional information, check out these websites, and as always, contact your county Family & Consumer Educator:

Lighten Up NH –Healthy Eating and Active Living Website

Lighten Up NH-Healthy Eating and Active Living WebsiteWe have all been hearing a great deal recently in the media about childhood obesity and its impacts on children’s health.  While parents have a tremendous impact on their children’s habits, sometimes the volume of information we are bombarded with can be overwhelming.  Often, parents are left wondering which information to trust and what steps they really can take to improve their family’s habits and health. 

The new Lighten Up NH website can help parents make good choices for their families by providing research based, clear, easy to use information about healthy diet and exercise habits.  Parents can use this website to find information on:

              • Healthy Nutrition
              • Increasing Physical Fitness
              • Staying Motivated
              • Finding Local Resources

              For more information, please visit the Lighten Up NH website

Developing our Future Votersdeveloping our future voters

New Hampshire has once again been in the national spotlight as citizens recently participated in the record-breaking turn-out of voting in the NH Presidential Primary.  The Primary, along with upcoming town, city and national elections, provides numerous opportunities for parents to influence whether or not their children will grow up to be people who vote and actively participate in the democratic process.

According to the Council for Excellence in Government, studies suggest that parents have significant influence over whether or not their children will vote in the future.  Parents who vote have children who are twice as likely to vote as their peers. In addition, taking their children with them to the polls is an experience their children are likely to remember and repeat when they become adults.

At their web site, www.takeyourkidstovote.org, the Council for Excellence in Government offers these suggestions for parents to help get their family involved and to encourage citizenship participation.

  • Register to Vote:  In New Hampshire, you can contact your local town and city clerk up to 10 days before any election or you can register on Election Day at the polling place.  You will be asked to fill out a standard Voter Registration Card and provide proof of residency, citizenship and that you are at least 18 years of age. A valid driver’s license may be all that’s needed, but you might also bring a passport, birth certificate, or naturalization papers if appropriate.
  • Choose an Issue: Ask your children what issues they are interested in and then learn the candidate positions on those issues.  Talk with your children about which candidates reflect your views and theirs too.
  • Contact the Candidates:  During the NH Presidential Primary, parents and their children had the chance to attend rallies, town meetings, and house parties to hear the candidates and ask questions. Children can still view the candidate web sites and even send comments to the campaigns.
  • Take a Walk around the Neighborhood: Candidate signs are still visible along roadsides.  While walking or riding in the car, see how many different campaigns your children can identify.
  • Review the Ads: When the national campaign gets going, New Hampshire will once again be seeing many campaign ads on television or through the mail.  Ask your children about the ads – are they positive, negative, warm and fuzzy, humorous or scary? Which ones do they remember and why?
  • Listen Up:  Have your children talk to older members of the family about their voting histories.  Who was the first presidential candidate they remember voting for? Which candidates were their favorites, and did they win or lose?
  • Go to the Polls with your Kids:  Take them into the voting booth with you. Your modeling of citizen participation sends a strong example that increases your child’s chances of being a future voter.

 

         The importance of family giving                                

THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY GIVING       

At this time of year, it is easy to get caught up in commercialism and seasonal marketing and forget the real values of the holiday season.  If you let your family become buried under the avalanche of greed and the need to get and receive the biggest and best, you may be missing out on the real opportunity the holidays hold for families: a chance to practice the art of family giving. Teaching children how to give to others is not only important for their moral and social growth - some research indicates it could even improve the quality of their lives. 

Benevolence, or the art of giving to others, has been shown to:

  • reduce stress in children’s lives
  • improve the way they see themselves 
  • make children feel more optimistic about the future and their role in it, and
  • teach them skills important to civic leadership, sharing, and getting along.

Real family giving goes beyond the usual gift exchange. Benevolence has nothing to do with the cost of a gift or its size.  Benevolence can include:

  • an act of kindness
  • something you baked or built
  • forgiveness
  • the gift of your time and attention to someone who needs it.

Children learn generosity and kindness both by modeling those around them and by participating in an unconditional good deed.  So, as a family, plan to spend part of the holiday implementing a new family tradition of giving.  No child is too young to learn how to share and give. As a family, you could:

  • bake bread and cookies for your neighbors and deliver them as a family
  • adopt a family or find a charity through your local United Way
  • visit a hospital or nursing home
  • invite someone who is alone to join in your family holiday celebrations
  • shovel a neighbor’s snow covered walk or driveway
  • forgive and reach out to a relative or friend who has wronged you
  • visit the Learning To Give website for many other ideas.

Giving your family a chance to be benevolent could be the best gift of the season!

 

5210 logo-5-2-1-0 Healthy NH

"5-2-1-0 Healthy NH" is a statewide public education campaign to bring awareness to the daily guidelines for nutrition and physical activity. Its message is simple and clear and represents some of the most important steps families can take to prevent childhood obesity:

5  Fruits and vegetables…more matters!  Eat at least 5 servings a day.  Limit 100% fruit juice. 
2 Cut screen time to 2 hours or less a day.
1 Participate in at least one hour of moderate to vigorous physical activity every day.
0  Restrict soda and sugar-sweetened sports and fruit drinks.  Instead, drink water and 3-4 servings/day of fat-free/skim or 1% milk.

For more information and free resources, visit the website at http://www.healthynh.com/fhc/initiatives/ch_obesity/index.php.


Healthy Fruit Snack Recipe aired on WMUR 12/13/07 (print)

1 small whole wheat wrap
2 Tbs. strawberry flavored cream cheese spread (peanut butter or low fat vanilla yogurt can be substituted)
1/2 cup thinly sliced fruit or small fruit pieces (bananas, strawberries, apple, mandarin oranges, blueberries, raisins)

Spread cream cheese on wrap. Place one layer of fruit slices on wrap.  Fold up 1 inch of the bottom of the wrap.  Roll up the wrap from the left side to the right side forming a tight roll up.  Eat and enjoy.

Provides 1 serving of fruit
Calories:  220 

Project cashProject C.A.S.H. (Creating a Savings Habit)

By the time their teenager leaves for college, most parents have brought up some of the difficult topics that have to be discussed in a world with increasing risks to those who are inexperienced. Typically, parents may bring up topics such as underage drinking, illegal drug use, tobacco, sexuality, unhealthy relationships.

However, there is one topic that parents routinely forget to discuss. And lack of knowledge and skills in THIS area could cause a student to endanger their future financial well-being, as well as their ability to stay in school. The topic is MONEY MANAGEMENT.

There is a concentrated effort underway to increase the financial literacy of our youth. Currently only 15% of our nation’s high school seniors graduate with any formal instruction in personal finance. 26% of 13- to 21- year-olds have reported that their parents actively taught them how to manage money. With a third of the nation’s high school seniors using credit cards, and bankruptcy filings for those in the 18 to 25 age bracket undergoing a tenfold increase in just five years, the need for that MONEY TALK with parents before college is VERY apparent. For more information visit project cash.

national family week poster

Connections Count During National Family Week

National Family Week: Connections Count embraces the premise that children live better lives when their families are strong, and families are strong when they live in communities that connect them to economic opportunities, social networks, and services. These "connections," celebrated during National Family Week, include access to reliable transportation, employment opportunities, education, child care, housing, health care, and support from community networks and institutions. These are the main messages for National Family Week: Connections Count, scheduled for November 18-24.

Ways to Celebrate National Family Week: Connections Count

• Get involved. Participate in local National Family Week activities.

• Extend your family. Meet and get to know your neighbors. Plan a neighborhood supper.

• Be a leader. Organize or participate in a school meeting about improving your child’s education.

• Be a volunteer. Coordinate family volunteer projects with other groups in your community.

• Connect with the community. Select an issue that can improve your community. Work with local officials or local nonprofit agencies to effect change.

• Take it to work. Encourage employers to consider family-friendly work options, such as flexible hours and time off to attend school functions.

The Alliance for Children and Families, a nonprofit membership association representing child-and family-serving organizations in the United States and Canada, has directed National Family Week efforts for more than 30 years. National Family Week is supported by The Annie E. Casey Foundation. For more information visit www.nationalfamilyweek.org.

National Family Week

 

Cooking with KidsCooking with Kids

At the end of a long work day, the last thing you want to think about is cooking dinner, let alone cooking dinner with your children.  You can imagine the huge mess they’ll make, leaving you with extra clean up duties. Plus, making dinner with your kids will take so much more time, and the whole time they’ll be whining, “When’s dinner going to be ready?”  It’s so much easier to give them a snack and put them in front of the television while you make dinner by yourself – right?

Maybe not.  Cooking with kids can be a fun way to spend time with your children.  Preparing a meal together gives you time to talk, laugh and enjoy being together as a family. Many childhood memories arise from the tastes and smells of food prepared as a family.  Children are often more willing to try new foods when they’ve helped make them.  Cooking also teaches patience and allows them to develop a sense of pride for their accomplishments.  By welcoming a child’s help in the kitchen, you can help eliminate the “I’m starving” whining, and as a parent, become recharged by their company.

To begin, think about how you will approach cooking with your kids.  Worrying or complaining about the mess and time it will take will dampen the amount of fun you have with your children. Accept that kids are messy and are probably going to make a mess when they help you cook.  Recognizing that making a mess is part of the process will eliminate surprises and frustrations. Make sure you get the kids to help you clean up afterwards.  Once they have made an effort to clean up, you can finish the job to meet your cleaning standards.

Second, know that cooking with kids will take more time, but remember the extra time is being spent with your children.  The enjoyment of cooking with your kids is in the process, not the results.  Spending time with your child, working on a fun activity together, are the important results of cooking.

Before jumping into making a gourmet meal with your child, ask your child to help you plan the meal or pick a simple recipe to prepare.  Try to prepare meals that you know they love to eat.  This will help keep children involved in the kitchen.  Also, encourage them to select recipes that are nutritious and healthy.  Cooking with your children is a perfect time to talk about making healthy food choices or how our body uses food. You can also talk about where each food comes from and how food is grown or made.

Ease into the experience by having them help you with one part of the meal.  You might want to start with making something for breakfast on the weekend and then gradually add in meal preparation activities during the week. Make a list of ingredients and utensils needed. You can also have kids personalize the recipe or give the meal an outrageous name.

The child’s developmental stage will help you determine how the child can help in the kitchen.  Toddlers can help with counting out ingredients and pouring them into a bowl.  If salad is on the menu, wash your toddler’s hands with soap and water and have them help you rinse the salad greens and vegetables. Let your child tear the lettuce into smaller pieces.  They can help toss the salad by using their clean hands or if they are able to, using salad spoons. Young children can help stir pancake batter or egg mixtures for scrambled eggs.  At lunch, have them use cookie cutters to cut out shapes from sandwich bread or have them decorate sandwiches with fresh vegetables. 

Older children can help with reading the recipe to you. Reading recipes teaches sequencing by following the directions and completing each step in order. Measuring ingredients teaches accuracy and the fractions used in recipes can help reinforce math skills. Since their motor skills are more developed, they can crack eggs or grate cheese.  When spaghetti and meatballs is on the menu, designate your child as the Marvelous Meatball Maker. Let your child make all different sizes of meatballs. Setting and clearing the table are other meal preparation activities that children can do.  

Close supervision of your child is essential for safety in the kitchen.  Set ground rules that require the child to get permission from you before they start a project in the kitchen. Have children and adults wash their hands with soap and water before they start cooking. Remember to clean, separate, cook and chill. Keep everything clean, hands, counters, dishes and utensils. Don’t cross contaminate bacteria from raw foods with cooked foods. Use a thermometer to make sure food is cooked properly. Refrigerate foods quickly, and keep hot foods hot and cold foods cold.

Arrange the work area at a height that your child can easily reach. Offer children safe utensils made of wood or plastic.  As children get older, you can teach them how to safely use knives and appliances, but always supervise them.  Set up rules about the stove.  Young children need to know it is hot and not to touch it.  Keep pot and pan handles turned towards the back of the stove.  Even older children need some supervision.  Although developing independence is important, stay close by to watch for dangerous mistakes.  Serious burns or cuts are not the way to “learn by your mistakes.” 

By Alice Mullen, MS, RD

Extension Educator, Family and Consumer Resources

UNH Cooperative Extension

Changing the Scene Newsletter:Promoting Nutrition and Fitness in Schools throughout New Hampshire

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