Families and Parenting

Agreeing over parenting issues, especially discipline, can be tough for parents under the best of circumstances. For example, one parent may want more rules and stricter discipline than the other. While parents probably won’t agree on everything, it’s important to recognize potential conflict and learn how to work through it.    

Disagreements over childrearing are difficult when two parents live together and have a strong positive relationship. They become more challenging when parents don’t live together or have problems. Parents who don’t get along often allow friction between them to limit their ability to effectively parent as a team. This is true in both married and divorced families.

Research shows that parents’ ability to cooperate and support one another plays an important role in children’s lives. Children need to hear the same message and experience a collaborative partnership between parents. When children see parents satisfied and happy in their own relationship, as well as partners in parenting, kids do better in school, get along better with others, and feel good themselves. 

“Coparenting” is what happens when parents – married or not - agree on decisions about children. Decisions may be minor or routine, such as watching TV, or more serious, such as dealing with temper tantrums. Supportive coparenting occurs when kids get the same message from both parents and see parents backing each other. When children experience supportive coparenting, they are more likely to listen and cooperate.

However, when children repeatedly see conflict, or parents don’t work together, kids feel guilt, anxiety, and stress. Parents who argue about childrearing put the child in the middle. Children become unsure of how to behave, must negotiate different rules and expectations with each parent, and feel responsible for parents’ problems.

In short, research shows that when parents have a strong positive relationship themselves (whether married or not), along with a parenting partnership, kids benefit. One important way to present a united front is to make time to discuss rules and discipline approaches before your child acts out.  Talk with your coparenting partner about how you were raised and how you want to handle problems when they come up.  Discuss the process you will use to make key parenting decisions. Try as much as possible to agree on general approaches to your child’s behavior.

When parents don’t agree, working towards agreement is critical. Behaviors that help resolve issues include clearly communicating ideas without blame, listening to the other parent with respect, maintaining focus on specific issues under discussion, and remaining calm. Behaviors that hurt resolution are criticizing the other person or ideas, hearing the disagreement as a personal attack, making sarcastic comments, and avoiding or withdrawing from discussion.

To work towards resolving disagreements, carefully and respectfully consider the other parent’s ideas. When both parents are available to make the decision, the chance for both to listen, discuss, negotiate, and compromise is important. Each parent may give up something to make an agreement acceptable to both. In other situations, both parents may not be present, and parents may need to agree that one parent will make decisions for both. If parents are not in agreement afterwards, they should respectfully explain their reasoning, doing so away from the child, then support the decision that was made and move on.

Parenting disagreements happen between most parents. Supportive and effective coparenting requires working together as a team and putting the needs of the child first.

Sharon Cowen is Family and Consumer Resources Educator, University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension, Hillsborough County.  For further information, call your county extension office or visit the UNH Cooperative Extension website.