Parenting



Families and Incarceration

Programs:

Family Connections is a program to sustain family ties for parents incarcerated at the Lakes Region Facility, their children, and their children's caregivers.

Frequently Asked Questions:

  1. My husband has just been sent to prison. Will this affect my kids?

    ANS: To date, there is very little research available on families with an incarcerated parent. The research that does exist suggests that children experience both emotional and behavioral problems when parents are incarcerated, which puts them at risk for future problems such as academic failure, delinquency, anxiety, port-traumatic stress disorder, and depression. Visitations during incarceration may allow parents and children to rebuild their relationships and allow the family to reunite more successfully when the parent is released from prison or jail.

  2. Is there anything I can do to help my child adjust to his father's going to prison?

    ANS: Yes, there are several things you can do. These include the following:
  • Avoid the parentification of your child. In other words, don't expect or allow your child to take on the roles and responsibilities of your husband. Allow your child to remain a child.

  • Keep normal household rules and expectations. Rules help your child to feel secure. He knows what is expected of him. Even though he may act out his angry feelings about Dad's incarceration, warmly, firmly, and consistently maintain family rules.

  • Maintain regular routines. Again, routines help children to feel safe and secure. They are able to predict what will occur in their lives. At this time, your son may be frightened because his Dad is not home to take care of him and his family. Maintaining routines is one way to help his feel less frightened.

  • Arrange for your child to spend time with friends, neighbors, and relatives. He needs the support of both adults and children at this time.

  • Inform your child's teacher(s) or childcare provider of the change in the family. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed. With the information you provide, however, the teacher or provider can understand any unusual behavior shown by your child, and help your child cope with the situation.

  • Allow your child to grieve the separation. Saying, "I know you are really angry that Daddy went to prison. I wish he were home with us, too. But I can't let you hurt other people or things because you are angry. Let's talk about some things you can do when you're angry that are okay to do."

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Grandparents and Other Relatives

The traditional household of a working father, a stay-at-home mom, and their biological children is no longer the typical American family. A growing number of children are being raised, nurtured and cared for by grandparents and other relatives. Check out these resources to learn more about these trends and to get information and education about grandparents or other relatives serving in a parenting role.



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Infants & Toddlers

When it comes to raising children, today's parents and caregivers often feel confused and uncertain. Learn tips to keep your children safe, happy, and healthy.

Programs:

Cradle Crier/Toddler Tales Newsletter(s)

Family Focus: Parenting the Young Child - This program is targeted to parents of children from birth through age 5 years. UNH Cooperative Extension's Family & Consumer Resources educators or Family Focus parent educators deliver the program in communities. Parents and guardians learn about the development of the young child, positive discipline techniques to use with toddlers and preschoolers, effective parent-child interactions, and stress management. Call your county UNH Cooperative Extension office for more information.


Frequently Asked Questions:.
  1. I've been hearing a lot lately about brain development in children. What is happening to the brain in these early years that parents should be aware of?

    ANS: A baby has more than 100 billion brain cells or neurons when he or she is born. Some of these brain cells are connected, or wired, at birth so the newborn can control his or her breathing, heartbeats, and other functions that keep the baby alive. However, during the early years of life, quadrillions of connections are made between the brain cells. These connections shape how children think, feel, and act.

  2. Do these brain connections occur by themselves? Do they just develop, as the child grows older?

    ANS: This is where the environment plays such an important role. What a baby or child sees, hears, smells, tastes, and feels are important in building these connections. How parents and other caregivers care for children helps determine how the brain becomes wired. Connections that are not stimulated are eliminated. They wither and die and are no longer there for use by the child. We can think about this in terms of our bodies. Our brains, just like the muscles in our bodies, become stronger with exercise. If we don't exercise, eventually our muscles would grow so weak they would not be useful to us. If children's brains aren't exercised or stimulated, connections among brain cells weaken and no longer help children develop memory, problem solving skills, language, and the capacity to relate to people and to cope with the challenges of life.

  3. What can parents do to help stimulate their children's developing brains?

    ANS: The things most parents already do contribute to the building of brain power. When you rock and cuddle your baby or hug and kiss your preschooler you're helping to develop the connections that lead to your child's ability to experience emotions and relate well to people. Through nurturance, warmth and affection, and consistently and lovingly meeting the needs of babies, parents are helping to develop the part of the brain that deals with emotions such as empathy, happiness, sadness, and hopefulness. Also, reading to babies and young children can stimulate language development. Some people feel silly talking to babies because they can't talk back. But talking to your baby as you feed, dress, or play with her is developing those brain cell connections that will contribute to language development. Keeping to a regular schedule or routine helps children to understand their world and what to expect from it. Allowing children to play with different materials and toys enables children to gain skills and develop curiosity.
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Parenting Alone

 Programs:

Learn parenting tips by attending one or more of Extension's parenting classes:
  • Family Focus:
    • Parenting the Young Child,
    • Parenting the School Age Child, or
    • Parenting the Adolescent

Frequently Asked Questions:
  1. I recently divorced and have custody of my 2 children. I'm having a much harder time disciplining them than I did when I was married. Why am I having so much trouble?

    ANS: Research shows that, in general, single parents have more stress in their lives. Stress is related to budgeting, meeting children's needs, workload, balancing a social life with work and home responsibilities, and/or maintaining a relationship with an ex-spouse or former partner. Because of the stress, single parents often have more difficulty disciplining their children. Often, they don't have the time, or take the time, to think about how to best discipline. They may have unrealistic rules for their children, or they don't consistently enforce rules. This may be happening to you.

  2. Can you give me some discipline tips? I'm a single mom and I'm having a lot of trouble disciplining my kids.

    ANS: First, realize that your children's misbehavior is contributing to your stress. Taking time to discipline your children will help both you and your children. Here are some tips:

    1. Decide what is important to you regarding your children's behavior. Remember, rules are usually designed to keep people and animals emotionally and physically safe and to protect property.

    2. Talk to your children about what's important to you, and why it's important.

    3. Set rules, and the consequences for not obeying the rules, with your children. For example, if you have a preschool child, you might decide together that when she is done playing, she comes to you and the two of you work together to put the toys away so no-one falls over them and gets hurt. If the rule isn't followed, she can't play with those toys the next day. Children and teens are much more likely to obey rules and consequences if they've been involved in setting them.

  3. I've been a single parent for 4 months. I'd like to start dating again. Do you think it's too soon?

    ANS: People often feel lonely after loosing a spouse. They try to fill this loneliness by getting romantically involved with someone. However, research shows that it's important for people to become emotionally and psychologically strong following a loss before starting to date. They do this by developing friendships. Through friendships, single parents develop a sense of stability, belonging, independence, and positive self-esteem. They set goals for themselves and their families. Once they have a sense of self and know who they are, single parents are much more likely to enter a healthy romantic relationship.
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Parenting Teens

When it comes to raising children, today's parents and caregivers often feel confused and uncertain. Learn tips to keep your children safe, happy, and healthy.

Programs:

Family Focus: Positive Parenting of Pre- and Early Teens - This program is offered to parents with children from 11 to 15 years-of-age. Family & Consumer Resources educators or Family Focus parent educators deliver the program in communities. Parents and guardians learn about adolescent development; the challenges, pressures, and risks facing teens today; and skills to assist their teens in setting values and goals, making decisions, resolving conflicts, avoiding the use of illegal drugs, and acting sexually responsible. Call your county UNH Cooperative Extension office for more information.

Frequently Asked Questions:

  1. I hear so much these days about teens getting involved with drugs and alcohol. My son is 12 years old. I don't think he's drinking, but how would I know if he is or isn't? What if I ask him and he says "no", but he really is drinking with his friends. He may be afraid to tell me because he doesn't want to get in trouble.

    ANS: Many young people experiment with alcohol and illegal drugs. It's important not to overreact and think your child is an alcoholic or a drug addict. Yet, also, it's important to be aware of the signs of alcohol use. According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, these include:

    1. mood changes - flare ups of temper, irritability, and defensiveness
    2. problems in school - truancy, low grades, discipline problems
    3. rebelling against family rules
    4. new friends who the child doesn't want you to meet
    5. not caring about anything - a sloppy appearance, a lack of involvement in former activities, low energy
    6. finding drugs or alcohol in your child's room or in his/her possession, or smelling alcohol on your child's breathe
    7. physical or mental problems - lapse of memory, poor concentration , bloodshot eyes, lack of concentration, slurred speech.

    Some of these behaviors may be a part of normal development. Experts find that a drinking problem may exist if several of the behaviors are present at the same time, if they happen suddenly, or if some of them are extreme in nature.

  2. So many kids are drinking in my child's school. My partner and I are really worried that my daughter will start to drink. What can we do?

    ANS: There are many things parents can do. Here are some important suggestions:


    1. Guide and Limit - Alcohol abuse prevention begins at home. Parents need to actively guide their children and set clear and reasonable limits. To do this parents must communicate clear expectations about not using alcohol and drugs, openly and calmly discuss the topic of alcohol and drug use before problems arise, and support and encourage their children in health promoting behaviors such as eating nutritious foods, exercising, and driving safely.

    2. Set a Good Example - Parents can serve as positive role models by dealing with their own day-to-day problems without the use of alcohol or drugs, and by using alcohol moderately, responsibly, and at appropriate times, if at all. It's important to show children that it isn't necessary to use alcohol or drugs to have a good time, form relationships, relax, or cope with stress.

    3. Be Informed - Only with accurate information about alcohol and other drugs can parents be helpful. Parents should know the facts about the use of alcohol and drugs, the risks of abusing drugs and alcohol, and their effects on the body and on driving.

    4. Create Strong Family Bonds - Strong family bonds can help protect against alcohol and drug problems in young people. Having fun together by playing sports, watching movies, playing board games, and taking walks, coupled with communicating openly, showing warmth and affection, and involving children in the setting of family rules and the consequences of not obeying these rules, can lead to strong family bonds.

    5. Encourage Competencies and Interests - Encourage your children to explore their interests - hobbies, school events, sports, community volunteer work - which may prevent the experimentation of alcohol and drugs due to boredom.

    6. Help Your Teen Deal with Peer Pressure - Brainstorm with children techniques they can use to avoid peer pressure. Help them practice these techniques.

    7. Make a Contract - Many families have found it helpful to meet together and write up a parent-teen contract, which contains statements such as "I will not use alcohol until I'm 21," "I will call for a ride home, if the driver I came with has been drinking."

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Pre-School Children

Programs:

Family Focus: Parenting the Young Child - This program is designed for parents of preschool children. UNH Cooperative Extension's Family & Consumer Resources educators or Family Focus parent educators deliver the program in communities. Parents and guardians learn about the development of the young child, positive discipline techniques to use with preschoolers, effective communication techniques, and stress management. Call your county UNH Cooperative Extension office for more information.

Frequently Asked Questions:

  1. What types of child care exist out there for parents of young children?

    ANS: There are 3 main types of care. There's in-home care where you hire a provider to come into your home to care for your children. This type of care is usually expensive, but may be economical if you have 3 or more children who need care. The next type is family day care, or care provided in the home of another person. This person may be a friend or relative, or a person who is licensed by the state to care for children in his or her home. The third major type of care is center-based care - care provided in a facility, usually with many children and early childhood teachers.

  2. How do parents go about finding care for their children?

    ANS: First, find out the names of people or facilities. Ask friends, relatives, and neighbors. Look for flyers advertising childcare services at super markets, churches, and other locations in the community. Look under childcare in the local phone book and look in the newspaper. The next step is to call the family childcare provider or the director of a child care center. You can save time by calling and gain a great deal of information. For example, you can find out if there is space for a child the age of yours. You can find out how many children are enrolled, how many children are cared for by one teacher or provider, the hours of operation, if the facility is licensed, the fees, and references. When you've narrowed your choices, then it's very important to visit the center or family home. It's really impossible to determine the quality of care unless you spend time in the facility. If a provider or director is reluctant to have you visit for an hour or two, that should be a red flag for you.

  3. How can parents tell if a childcare home or center is providing high quality care for children?

    ANS: One thing parents can ask a director is if the staff is credentialed. In other words are they receiving staff training and is the training recognized by the state of NH. NH has 5 credentials with 4 levels in each credential. So, people just beginning to care for children to those with years of experience and anadvanced degree can receive a credential. Also, try to visit the child care program and spend an hour or two. Try to go without your child so you won't be distracted. During your visit, you can look at the supplies, toys, and equipment, the nutritional value of food served to children, safety features in the classrooms or home and on the playground, the type of discipline used by the providers, and the interactions between providers and children. Remember that you're really looking for indicators of quality.

  4. How do parents introduce their toddlers and preschoolers to computers?

    ANS: Whether we use technology with young children--and if so, how-are critical issues facing early childhood educators and parents. Learn more at KidSource Online.

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School Age Children

Programs:

Family Focus: Parenting the School Age Child - This program is offered to parents of school age children. UNH Cooperative Extension's Family & Consumer Resources educators or Family Focus parent educators deliver the program in communities. Parents and guardians learn about the development of the child from 6 through 11 years-of-age, positive discipline techniques, effective communication, stress management, and ways to help children succeed in school. Parents are helped to improve parent-child relations and raise healthy, happy, responsible, and productive children. Call your county UNH Cooperative Extension office for more information.


Frequently Asked Questions:

  1. How old must my child be before I can leave him or her home alone?

    ANS: There really is no right answer to that question. Rather than thinking about age, parents need to consider the developmental level of their children. Also, parents need to define what they mean by leaving their children home alone. For example, it may be appropriate to leave an 11 year old home alone for an hour on Saturday mornings while her father goes to the grocery store, but not appropriate to leave a 14 year old home with 2 younger brothers and sisters for 20 hours a week and the 14 year old spends the 20 hours playing games on the computer and talking on the phone with friends. However, research shows that children from 8 to 12 years of age are likely to be left home alone at least for a brief time. Depending on how you define self-care, about 25% of children in the third and fourth grades are in self-care, or home alone for some period of time.

  2. What are some of the negative effects of leaving my child home alone?

    ANS: Researchers have identified several negative effects. First, there are physical risks. Several hundred children a year die in home accidents. In general, children home alone are at greater risk than are children under adult supervision. Second, teachers indicate that unsupervised children are less likely to complete homework assignments, although the research on this is inconclusive at this time. Some research indicates that children who are home alone are at social risk. They may not have as many opportunities to interact with other children if their parents don't allow them to have friends visit. On the other hand, researchers have found children to be at risk for peer pressure and antisocial behavior when they are unsupervised and allowed to "hang out" with their friends.

  3. What are some factors that play a part in self-care being successful for children? Can self-care be okay for my children?

    ANS: Yes, but consider the following points:

    1. If your child is developmentally ready for self-care. For example, does your child take responsibility for doing his or her homework, chores around the house, adhering to family rules, etc.

    2. If the communication is open and honest between you and your child. For example, will your child feel free to talk to you about his/her feelings and challenges of being home alone?

    3. The length of time your child is left alone and how frequently

    4. The rules and guidelines. It's really important for you and your child to hold regular meetings and sit together to discuss self-care. Both you and your child together need to come up with the rules to be carried out and the consequences that will occur if the rules are broken. Rules can deal with anything from how much time your child watches TV to the number of chores that need to be accomplished during the time you are out of the house.

    5. The presence of siblings and the ages of the siblings. Children and teens need time to spend with their peers, and can't be expected to baby-sit for long period of time every day.

    6. The safeness of the community. Families who live in areas where crime is high generally want their children to come directly home from school, lock the door behind them, and not to go out or have other children in to visit. These children may then be at social risk.

    7. The degree of education your child has regarding safety. For example, your child must know what appliances he or she can use and their proper use. Your child needs to know what to do if the phone rings or someone comes to the door.

    Community resources available. For example, are there neighbors to call if your child cannot reach you? Are there homework help lines? Are there after-school activities so your child does not have to be home alone every day before or after school?

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Stepfamilies

Programs:

Learn parenting tips by attending one or more of Extension's parenting programs:
  • Family Focus:
    • Parenting the Young Child,
    • Parenting the School Age Child, or
    • Parenting the Adolescent
Frequently Asked Questions:
  1. Will our new stepfamily ever be a "real" family?

    ANS: Research shows that stepfamilies go through stages of development. In the early stages, adults fantasize about having a whole, nuclear family, or "real" family, again. Since the couple is "in love," they think their children should be happy and love one another. In the meantime, the children are fantasizing about getting rid of their stepparents and stepsiblings. They want to live with their single parent again, or want their parents to get back together. As the family moves through this first stage, the couple realizes that instant love isn't going to happen, and the children are going to act out as they feel resentment and jealousy. But, no one talks about these feelings. To move to the next stage of development, family members must talk about their feelings and begin to solve their problems so the needs of all the family members can be met. Once stepfamilies get used to communicating and problem solving, they move on to a later stage. In this last developmental stage, family members are used to their new roles and responsibilities. New family rituals, routines, and rules are accepted and become a part of everyday life. Most stepfamilies take from 4 to 7 years to work through these stages.

  2. What are some of the hardest adjustments children need to make to living in a stepfamily?

    ANS: One of the hardest adjustments involves discipline. Children are used to the discipline style of their biological parents. At the beginning of a stepfamily formation, it's better to leave the discipline up to the biological parent. The new couple should discuss family rules and expectations they have about the children's behavior, but do so in private. Also, parents need to avoid making comparisons between or among their children!

  3. My ex-spouse and I are co-parenting our children. How can we avoid our frequent arguments?

    ANS: Communication is the key, even though anger carried over from your marriage and divorce may block communication in the present. Some research suggests that many divorced or separated parents stay angry with each other for a minimum of 3 years. To minimize the impact of anger and build workable relationships try to:
  • stay focused on the present - don't bring up old issues,
  • keep the relationship simple and business like,
  • remind each other that you need to work together for the sake of the children,
  • attack the problem, not each other,
  • try to avoid making assumptions - check things out and clarify points with your ex-spouse,
  • avoid arguing in front of your children.
Publications:
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