Parenting - Stepfamilies

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Learn parenting tips by attending one or more of Extension's parenting programs:

• Family Focus:
  • Parenting the Young Child,
  • Parenting the School Age Child, or
  • Parenting the Adolescent
    

1. Will our new stepfamily ever be a "real" family?
   
   ANS: Research shows that stepfamilies go through stages of development. In the early stages, adults fantasize about having a whole, nuclear family, or "real" family, again. Since the couple is "in love," they think their children should be happy and love one another. In the meantime, the children are fantasizing about getting rid of their stepparents and stepsiblings. They want to live with their single parent again, or want their parents to get back together. As the family moves through this first stage, the couple realizes that instant love isn't going to happen, and the children are going to act out as they feel resentment and jealousy. But, no one talks about these feelings. To move to the next stage of development, family members must talk about their feelings and begin to solve their problems so the needs of all the family members can be met. Once stepfamilies get used to communicating and problem solving, they move on to a later stage. In this last developmental stage, family members are used to their new roles and responsibilities. New family rituals, routines, and rules are accepted and become a part of everyday life. Most stepfamilies take from 4 to 7 years to work through these stages.
   
   
2. What are some of the hardest adjustments children need to make to living in a stepfamily?
   
   ANS: One of the hardest adjustments involves discipline. Children are used to the discipline style of their biological parents. At the beginning of a stepfamily formation, it's better to leave the discipline up to the biological parent. The new couple should discuss family rules and expectations they have about the children's behavior, but do so in private. Also, parents need to avoid making comparisons between or among their children!
   
   
3. My ex-spouse and I are co-parenting our children. How can we avoid our frequent arguments?
   
   ANS: Communication is the key, even though anger carried over from your marriage and divorce may block communication in the present. Some research suggests that many divorced or separated parents stay angry with each other for a minimum of 3 years. To minimize the impact of anger and build workable relationships try to:

• stay focused on the present - don't bring up old issues,
• keep the relationship simple and business like,
• remind each other that you need to work together for the sake of the children,
• attack the problem, not each other,
• try to avoid making assumptions - check things out and clarify points with your ex-spouse,
• avoid arguing in front of your children.

• Children in Stepfamilies
• For Kids: How Does Divorce Affect You
• Help Children Adjust to Stepfamily Life
• Managing Former Spouse Relationships
• Stages of Stepfamily Development
• Stepfamilies
• Strengthening Your Couple Relationship
• The Effects Of Divorce On Children

• The Stepfamily Association of America