Helping Children Cope with their Parents' Divorce

“My Mom always gets mad before I go and visit with my Dad.” “I wish my Dad didn’t say mean things about my Mom.”

Comments and feelings like these may still be the experience of many children whose parents are going through separation or divorce. Yet, there are many single parents today who recognize that negative comments about their former spouse or partner – especially in front of their children – can be harmful to their kids. These parents try very hard to work through their angry feelings in private or with other trusted adults. This approach can be a tremendous benefit to their children’s adjustment and emotional health, as they all cope with the changes in their family.

Parental divorce is experienced by 1.5 million children each year in the United States, and 40% of American children are predicted to live with a divorced parent prior to age 16 (National Center for Health Statistics, 1995). In New Hampshire from 1996 through 2001, an average of 6,396 children experienced their parent’s divorce each year (Kids Count New Hampshire 2003).

The impact of divorce and separation on children varies depending upon a variety of factors. While in the short-term children are likely to experience higher stress levels, increased illness, depression and withdrawal, these may be reduced one or two years after the divorce. In addition, while some children may experience long-term effects - such as poor school performance and an increase in behavior problems – research indicates that 75-80% of children and young adults fall within the average range of adjustment. They do not suffer major psychological problems, have achieved their educational and career goals, and retain close ties to their families (Children’s Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives, Family Relations, 2003).

Reactions vary by age

How children react and make sense of their parent’s separation will vary depending upon their age and stage of development at the time of their parents' divorce. Children younger than two or three years may have fewer negative effects, especially if the bond and close relationship with their parents is sustained. According to the fact sheet by UNH Cooperative Extension, The Effects of Divorce on Children (1998), children from preschool through adolescence may react in these ways:

• Children three to five years of age may believe they have caused their parents' divorce. For example, they might think if they had eaten their dinner or picked up their toys, Daddy wouldn’t have gone away. They may fear being left alone or abandoned, and may show baby-like behavior, such as wanting their security blanket or old toys. They may deny anything has changed, or may become uncooperative, depressed or angry.
  
  
• School-aged children may experience the most difficulties in coping with their parents' divorce. They are old enough to understand that they are in pain because of their parent’s separation, but they are too young to understand or control their reactions to this pain. They may experience grief, embarrassment, resentment, divided loyalty and intense anger.
  
  
• Adolescents also experience anger, fear, loneliness, depression and guilt. Some feel they are pushed into adulthood if they must be responsible for many chores or taking care of a parent or siblings. Others may feel a loss of parental support in handling emerging sexual feelings. Teens also doubt their own ability to get married or stay married.

Research has determined that certain actions and attitudes of parents following separation and divorce can help minimize long-term negative effects on their children (Children’s Adjustment following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives, Family Relations, 2003):

• Competent custodial parents and parenting. The psychological adjustment of the custodial parent and the quality of their parenting is associated with positive outcomes for their children. Children’s positive adjustment is increased if custodial parents provide warmth, emotional support, adequate monitoring, authoritative discipline, and maintain age-appropriate expectations.
• Contact with nonresident parent. Active involvement by their nonresident parent is also a protective factor for children. Parents who have close relationships and regular contact with their children can increase their child’s adjustment. Doing such things as helping with homework and projects, providing authoritative parenting, and having age-appropriate expectations for their children enhances positive adjustment and school performance.
• Diminished conflict between parents following divorce. Research shows that between 25-30% of parents have cooperative coparenting relationships characterized by joint planning, flexibility, sufficient communication, and coordination of schedules and activities. Over 50% engage in parallel parenting, where low conflict, low communication, and emotional disengagement are typical features. Although there can be advantages to cooperative coparenting for children, research indicates that children also do well in parallel parenting relationships, when parents are providing nurturing care and appropriate discipline in each household.

Claudia Boozer-Blasco is an Extension Educator in Family & Consumer Resources with University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension in Rockingham County.