Giving Yourself “Timeout”
Q: Since winter has arrived and the kids and I have been spending more time indoors together, I seem to be yelling a lot more at my kids and feeling short-tempered and upset with them a lot of the time. What can I do to not be such a grouch?
Psychologists often use the term “emotional reactivity,” to describe how each of us handles situations involving stress, discomfort and emotion laden situations like those we often encounter as parents. In other words, emotional reactivity is how you respond to the parenting crisis of the moment.
All of us, at one time or another has encountered something that our children have done that caused us to lose control, to say and do things that we have regret later. The more isolated or alone we feel when bad things happen with our children, the greater our risk that our emotional reactivity will get out of control. This effect is cumulative, it builds up over time. So the longer we feel “cooped up” with our kids, the greater our reactivity can become.
Luckily, there are some tricks to regulating emotional reactivity that have been thoroughly researched over the years. Some of the best include:
- Be aware of your own reactivity. What are the warning signs that you are starting to “lose it” with your emotions? If you can see emotional reactivity coming, you are more likely to be able to calm yourself down.
- Take a timeout for yourself. Sometimes, the heat of the moment, the minute you realize someone has broken a window or stuffed up the garbage disposal with a wash cloth is not the time to react. Learn to say this: “I’m so upset right now that I can’t talk about this without getting too mad. Give me a few minutes and we’ll talk about it later.” Then use the time to put the incident or problem in perspective.
- Get another adult’s perspective before you react. Sometimes it is good to call a friend who is a parent, talk to your own parent, or even a teacher or someone else who knows your child and your situation before you react. If it is a big, emotion-laden issue, like finding out that your child has been bullied or is being a bully, you might want to talk to someone else who has dealt with the situation before you over-react.
- Nurture yourself: Parenting is a hard job. It is emotionally and physically demanding. One way to regulate your own emotional reactivity is to make sure that you are taking care of your own needs for company, fun, and relaxation. Just because you are spending more time indoors doesn’t mean you have to be isolated. Talk to friends by phone or computer. Use your kids’ “down” times to read or pursue your own hobbies. Invite a neighbor over for coffee. Keep up with exercise and fitness. Your own playtime is just as important to your family’s health as your children’s playtime.
Getting a handle on your own emotional reactivity is an ongoing process, but is one that, with practice, can be valuable to both you and your family.
By Dr. Malcolm Smith, Family Education and Policy Specialist for UNH Cooperative Extension
Dr. Malcolm Smith is the Family Education and Family Policy Specialist for UNH Cooperative Extension. You can get more information by visiting: www.extension.unh.edu and clicking on the “Families and Parenting” button.