Co-Parenting: Working Towards Agreement
By Sharon Cowen
Question: My ex-husband and I have very different ideas about parenting. We definitely disagree on how to discipline our children. It’s hard on the kids because they split their time with us. They have to follow different rules at his house. How can I get him to agree to the same rules I have, so it’s not so hard on the kids?
Answer: Getting both parents to agree on decisions involving their kids, especially discipline, can be hard under the best circumstances. Even in the same household, one parent may want different rules than the other. But, when two parents are in a positive relationship, it’s easier for them to discuss the situation, cooperate, and reach a compromise that shows children that parents support each other.
When separation or divorce is in the picture, it’s more difficult to agree on parenting decisions. The two ex-partners may have anger and conflict towards each other; they may not be interested in compromise or understanding each other’s feelings. There may also be step parents involved.
It is important to remember to put your children’s needs first. Kids benefit from a positive relationship with both parents. Conflict with former partners is often a reality of divorce or separation, but it’s important to manage your feelings, so you can work together in the best interest of your children. Research shows that parents’ ability to cooperate and support each other is important to children.
If your family has experienced family violence, child abuse, high conflict, some types of mental illness, or substance abuse, co-parenting may not be possible. In fact, your family may need help from trained community resources. But, in most situations, positive co-parenting is a valuable goal.
Positive co-parenting means both parents are involved in their kids’ everyday lives. They both respond to children’s needs and don’t put children in the middle of their disagreements. They jointly decide which parenting decisions will be shared.
It may not be possible to always agree. For example, there may still be different rules for your child in the other parent’s home. But explaining the differences to children while showing respect for the other parent, helps to avoid putting children in an uncomfortable position. You may not be in a loving relationship with your former partner, but that person is still your child’s parent.
One option for help with parenting issues is to create a co-parenting plan. Both parents are involved. Such a plan spells out what decisions will be shared, how and when you will communicate with the other parent, how schedules will be arranged, what happens in an emergency, and other specific issues. The guidelines for a co-parenting plan can be found in the University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension publication “Co-parenting After Divorce.” This publication and others are available on the UNH Cooperative Extension web site, www.extension.unh.edu, or by calling your county extension office.
Sharon Cowen is Family and Consumer Resources Educator, University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension, Hillsborough County.